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It's fast, it's simple, it's....PATERN-EZE!
This simple, 5 minute test will answer all of your paternity questions.
Buy Patern-eze today, and ease your mind.
Just little dab of DNA will do ya!
Yeah, but where do ya PUT it?
(obnoxious announcer voice on)
On the patented Patern-eze test strip, of course. It's so easy to use. You just swab the little tykes mouth with the handy dandy Patern-eze test stick, and rub it on the pink spot, then take second swab from the potiential Papa candidate, and rub it on the blue spot. Then you put it in the Patern-eze (patent pending) DNA Discombobulator, and presto, your chance of a match is printed within minutes!
PATERN-EZE!!! Ask for it by name!